A
cup of tea barely serves to keep me grounded on this windy, gray day.
It is the sort of bright gray teasing one into believing the sun may
peek out any minute. But it doesn’t and the gray presses down on my
spirit pushing out the joy. I do what I can to find a sweet spot:
drink Good Earth tea, read a delightful book, look for places to go
on vacation, and then give up. It is challenging to keep myself
braced against a blustery, fast-paced year pushing me so totally out
of a comfort zone I may not recognize it if ever I see it again.
I
feel like Piglet, in The House at Pooh Corner, being
blown about by the wind right past Eeyore; and Eeyore shouts,
“Good-bye. Mind you don’t get blown away, little Piglet. You’d
be missed. People would say, ‘Where’s little Piglet been blown
to?’ --really wanting to know. Well, good-bye. And thank you for
happening to pass me.”
I
do feel blown about, hither and thither, right past the small life I
find meaningful. I am dotting i’s and crossing t’s to be able to
do the work I love, and feeling oh so disconnected from people,
missing all of you terribly. The life I keep trying to create seems
to have been torn to shreds, blustery days whipping it about as I
cling to any remnant I can of my normal life in hopes of not losing
it altogether.
And
to think I thought last year was busy. The details of all this
craziness has become quite laborious in the sharing, so I will spare
you; but I will say the challenges I am pressed up against are taking
a toll. I miss having time to write, see friends, go to Bible study,
take care of our home properly, work in the yard, spend time with my
husband and so forth. I miss my normal life. I find myself saying in
a small voice, “Is it ever coming back?” Will all my days be
blustery ones? Will there ever be a gentle spring zephyr filled with
the scent of jasmine and hours in a hammock under the tangerine tree
listening to the song birds?
About
now, some of you are saying, “You think you’ve got it bad,” and
others are feeling sorry for me. My woes are probably not worthy of
either reaction, but I am lapping up the pity; it is so much better
for you to be feeling it for me than for me to be wallowing around in
this alone. In the gloom of it all I believe God has been trying to
get me to stop all the striving and allow Him to break down walls and
open doors. It is hard for me to get my head around the balance of
letting go and the responsibility of required steps to move forward.
I would love to just sit on a log and wait for things to get done
right before my eyes, but I don’t think that is how it works. Where
does one go for the perfect recipe between resting and
responsibility?
At
this moment I think of the Israelites busting up walls with marching
and circling seven times around a city and blowing trumpets. I ask
God how I’m to deal with the challenging forces in my life. A light
finally sparked and lit up a neon sign of truth in my heart this
week, and I was reminded: I am trying too hard to please people; and
He has given me the power to choose and prioritize. It isn’t easy,
but I began by saying “no” more to people whom I had given power
over my future. LOL! How can anyone hold power over the future I had
placed in God’s hands? Placing this calling and all it requires
back into His hands, I am reminded this is His deal, not mine.
Then
I opened up space for ordinary tasks. Chopping, stirring, cleaning,
baking a birthday cake, weeding, planting and (the cherry on top)
with the help of my husband, rearranging the living room furniture.
We opened up space which allowed more light into the room. It is
exactly what I needed in the living room and in my soul: space and
light.
Spending
time with the Father, seeking His face, has braced me against the
strong winds of change. In the seeking I have strength to endure what
my fragile, scared self says I cannot endure. Of course I have to
return to look into His eyes several times a day for reassurance and
to listen to His reminder He’s got this or I quickly slip back into
striving and feeling as if I have been buried under a load of bricks.
What
helps you put off working too hard to please others? How do you find
your way through all the things you feel you should do to a place of
strength taking the next step He has called you to?
P.S. Photos taken by my husband, Jim.
